Moaner. Part Bajillion.

Day 6184 (approximately) of being Kristina Reynolds...

What can I say? Life - is still not remotely interesting. My main priority right now is my health and my school work. I have five "best friends" and lately only two of them are around. In fact, I wouldn't even push it to two; I'd say one. And even then, I'm still pushing it. I have no boyfriend, no social life, no car - not even a bike and I don't even have the motivation to do anything remotely interesting in the first place. I always said that the second I turn 18 I'll run a riot around this town, because at least then my life can actually take flight. But even then, I won't have a home of my own. I'll probably have failed my theory test about 10 times by then and I reckon I'll still be single without any fashion sense.

 The only thing going for me right now is a job I haven't even started and don't even want. I know - I'm a selfish bitch. There are so many people out there right now who are searching desperately for a job and would do anything to have mine, and here I am, sitting at home on a Thursday night, still in my pyjamas, with my hair amess and my face - repulsive - and people are struggling to get by .

It hit me just how selfish I can be when I was in the hospital yesterday. No biggy - I'm just run down and might explode any second now. There was this woman there who my dad had gone out with a long, long time ago (Lord only knows how but at least he had a girlfriend!) and she had been there since the day before, not knowing whether she has appenicitis or a stomach ulcer! She's been waiting around all the day before and all yesterday and I only had to spend four and a half hours there just to get a blood test. I hate needles, so when the nurse told me she was going to give me one, I was crying before she came anywhere near me. I always do that. But the hooker didn't tell me she was leaving the feckin' thing in my arm and when I looked down after she told me "all over" ... You can bet I spent the next hour and a half cribbin' and cryin' like a feckin' two year old.

Anyways. Being run down during winter just makes it even more depressing than the season is set out to be in the first place. I don't know why people like winter. What's so great about freezing cold weather and rain 24/7 in pitch black darkness by 5pm?! The only good thing that comes out of winter is Christmas and at my age, that's only if you've got a 'special someone' to share it with. Christ. I go on like I'm 40. I feel like I'm 40. The other day I was even checking for wrinkles around my eyelids. There aren't any; I was just checking for them.

I'M SUCH A BLOODY MOANER!

I think I got so wrapped up in where I wanted to be by Summertime next year that I'm losing the will to keep trying to get there. My motivation is gone and the determination that went with it has vanished alongside it. When Christian left, he took a whole year with him. I wanted to keep some of that, just to know that it wasn't all for nothing in the end. So I tried to keep just a little part of his motivation & determination for myself, but who was I trying to kid? The only thing he left for me here was loneliness and silence.  

  I need to run away!

These days, I spend most of my time on Facebook pretending I have a life by living through everyone else's, or talking to myself in the mirror while I count the hairs on my eyebrows. NB: Get them sorted.

If only I could find a way to channel all of this frustration/loneliess/lack-of-motivation-determination/hatred/feeling-sorry-for-myself into studying or writing or even volunteering in an old folks home... Though, mind you, I spent a week volunteering to work with 6 year olds and by the end of that, I vowed to never put myself through a situation as unexpected as that ever again. I slept for days!

Sleep! There's something else I spend a lot of my time doing! Where the hell is Christian when you need a good kick up the arse?! He was always around when I didn't want to be, so why can't he be around when I feckin' need him?! I swear to God - if I ever see his face again, I'll make sure it has a dint the size of my fist engraved slap-bam right in the centre as a souvenir and a thank you for all the 'good times' by the time he leaves. Ugh. Just..

The girls just rang me from the TLT. Hannah was singing tonight. She was actually... Well it was over the phone so 'good' could be an understatement and if I say 'bad'... then we could blame the phone connection, too. I should have been there tonight. My music teacher even told me that I should have auditioned, I should have went. I'm such a feckin' waster. I need to get a feckin' life. When oh when will 6th year end? It's an even longer season than winter and twice as bad. Just like my grades.

 Get a life. Get. a. fucking. life.

P.S: My mother is an all-time nag and a half.

It's times likes these I question my morals...

Today in school - everything was going great! I understood the maths work, Irish was pretty funny, music was a doss and art is... well art.

But then Mr Art Teacher says, "And those who have not handed up their poster, please come to the top of the class now." Well I had to go, didn't I? That teacher loves me and I know fine well that I can't get away with this one, no matter how often I pray to baby Jesus (i.e: never)

So I skipped up to the top of the class with the rest of dossers and he picks me first. I tell him, "It's at home sir, with my prep sheet."

 Bear in mind that I have had a month and a half to do this. While everyone else was drawing away on their prep sheets and planning out their posters, laying it out on that massive piece of cardboard and working on it each day until they had completed it to perfection.. What the hell had I been doing?! I was there, you know! I just don't think my brain was...

So I came home today after sneaking into the Art room which was luckily empty with an unlocked door, crept down to the back of the class and stole a cardboard piece to bring home with me. I had to carry it the whole way home in the rain and start on it right away. I can safely say that the poster is almost finished to a passable standard - however, I'm not expecting to pass. I haven't started my prep sheet and that's like... 50%. Oh Fun.

  But now, not only this... But I am severely ill! And the worst part is, I don't even know if I'm faking it anymore! The last couple of classes before lunch, I started to get this horrible feeling in my stomach - like someone was slicing me open from the inside with a knife! I literally couldn't walk earlier and my mum made me stop working on the art!! But now I'm feeling a lot better but I wasted so much time that I don't think I can go in tomorrow.. and if I don't go in tomorrow, I miss out on the art, miss that Spanish test and I'd miss the choir after school.

Yes. I understand how very gay this must sound. But as much as I would loooove not to hand up the art and I would loooove not to do that blimming Spanish test that - I HAVE NOT STUDIED FOR(!) - the choir is surprsingly fun.

a) because it's 5th & 6th year only and none of us are gay

b) because we don't sing holy songs like the junior choir

c) because my music teacher has a soft spot for me and well... I just fancy him.

and d)... well I don't have a d.

So here's what I'm thinking..

Go to my grans in the morning. She'll make me tea & toast for breaky - she always does - and see my sick great-gran. I'll work on the rest of my art and then bogger off to school about 12 o'clock. Leaves me with three classes, a free double and I still get to go to choir.

Although... it does mean walking home in the rain again. Bah Humbug... Maybe a day in bed will be better?... I'll go work on mammy :)

This is the fiasco & my life is a sham.

Ahh winter...

 How I hate thee with thy might.. Seriously. I really bloody fucking hate you.

But today my friends, I am not here to complain (well not about winter, anyways) or to give grief about how bloody cold it is or how many socks I'm wearing. I'm not even here to give out about how even though I have a mug of hot chocolate and the heating has been on all day I'm still as cold as a camel in Ireland.

No. Today I'm here to merily discuss that of which is my life. Well this will be a short; I don't have one. However! I plan on getting one some day soon!... Well maybe not too soon though because I have my Leaving Cert and all that jazz and unfortunately that takes up a LOT of my time. I don't quite know how it manages to take me over so much because it's not as though I've done much study since we started back school two months ago. I mean, I've been in the library once or twice but sure, what does that do? There are too many distractions and no teachers to give out and tell us all to shush when the girls are giggling at the boys in the corner and the boys are making the girls giggle by just being in the corner... farting.

Two months ago I thought, 'Right. I'll just pretend I'm preggers and the Leaving Cert is my baby. Over the next 9 months, I'll have to feed it with knowledge, eat plenty of healthy foods to keep the mind active and before I even know it - pop! There it is, defining my life forever.' Oh what a bundle of joy. But two months are gone already and there's only 7 left and I know that may seem like loooads of time to study still but it's not. I mean I spend my days at home on Facebook, watching the Simpsons at 6 and when I really want to avoid doing homework - I even watch Emmerdale. This is how sad my life has become and even worse now that my folks seem to be living it up more than I am. Do you know where they went last week?! I'll tell you. Bloody rollerskating, that's where! And do you know what's even worse?! They actually thought that I would want to go with them and bring my friends along for the laugh! I honestly don't know how I belong to this family. I'm the blacksheep. And no one likes ketchup but me!... I'd eat that stuff on me brocolli...

I mean, we've gone over Halloween and what a dud and half that was, but there's an 18th this weekend and as much as I would just looove to go and hang out in a posh estate with people I don't like and people who sure as hell don't like me, the xFactor is on that night and I'd much rather a night in with Simon Cowell than a night out with Jack Daniels. It's official. I'm the definition of a homebird. Tweet bloody tweet.

The site for the CAO on the interweb is open this Wednesday and we still haven't a bleedin' clue about what to fricken write at all. I don't even know what the CAO is or why we need it or what it's role is in my life? Oh well. Guess we'll have to figure that one out and all.

 I must admit though. I always figured that when this time of year cropped up, or even during the Christmas break when everyone was cramming in last minute CAO-filling-out-online and all that jazz, that Christian* would put his busy schedule aside and help me with it like he promised. Now, I'd rather he didn't but I don't have anyone to help me and it wouldn't be such a big deal if I knew what I was doing myself, but I don't have any older siblings or family that could help me out in this area. My folks never went to college and my aunty lives in England and even if she was here, I wouldn't want her help. She'd try and persuade me to go to Trinity and then when I didn't get my points - which I won't because even if I wanted to, I literally could not, cannot, never will get that high - she would be the one to blame. It's Maynooth for me... and even then, despite having all my requirements for the Arts degree, I'll still be lucky to get the points for that. Fingers crossed. Say a prayer for me and all.

Back on track to the subject matter of which is my non-existent life..

One day. I'll have a life. And it will be whopper. It'll be filled with sunshine, booze, hot clothes, a slim figure and an Italian Stallion living the Sardinian lifestyle. He'll have one of those little bike-y thingys and take me for a spin all the time.. And he'll have a nice smile and a sexy accent a body that makes you go "Phwoar!" .. Oh, this story sounds familiar? Perhaps I've already had this? His name was Luca... and there was another named Christian, too actually. Christian was the one who took me for a spin on his bike. They were both bloody gorgeous - both Italian. And both mad after me. Which is always a plus. Besides, Irish boys are so nervous about chatting a girl up. I just don't think the Irish have as much charm as the Italians do. I mean when an Italian Stallion comes up to you, flashes that smile and calls you "Bellissima", you're practically putty in his hands, ain't cha?

 Anyways. I'm so going back to Italy.

                                                       Luca Luca Luca... Mmm...

The year before that it was Diego & Valter. Both years it's been Christian although funnily enough nothing has ever happened with him. Ha. He did give me two roses, a spin on his bike and a teddy bear. Actually, let's not talk about the bear. It was a wolf cuddly toy and there's a rather painfully embarrassing story behind it.

 See, this is the life for me. And the way I see it, a life by the beach surrounded by hot Italian men in love with me and riches to last me a lifetime seem quite reasonable. How do I get it all? Well. I go to Maynooth - get that English degree (for me).. go and get the thingy I need to teach a foreign language abroad.. Pack up with my money - hopefully I'll have some by then - and  move to Italy where the sun shines and the men wear no clothes. Oh, and write a best-seller somewhere along those lines. Remember my name, bitches.

And this may be a long, long, very long time away - but there's college before that and that's going to be even whopper again. (Yes, I have been using the word 'whopper' as a verb however I don't seem to be pulling it off)

 College are the experimental years, yes? Nights I can't remember in clothes I'm not wearing... Ahhh. 

 I mean right now I can't be at that and even then I think to myself, well, what has college got up its sleeve that could surprise me now? I know it has plenty of tricks up there but I'm doing my best not to think about it right now. Everyone has already fucked off to college and left me and whereas everyone is turning 18, it's my birthday in 24 days and I'll have another whole year to go before I reach the magic number! That means I'm going to be 17 doing my bleedin' Leaving and 17 starting college. And people keep telling me, 'Dude, that's going to suck. You're going to miss the best parties for Freshmen' and I'm like, 'Yeah well at least I'm not a wannabe American DOOFUS'.

 None of that really happened. Hell, I was just being dramatic.

Anyways. I had better head off this. I have to get ready for SCHOOL tomorrow and finish that MATHS assignment she gave us over a week ago and maybe even start that ART project I've had a whole month to do and maybe even study a bit of SPANISH and practise that song for MUSIC. Then I'll head to bed with the novel for ENGLISH.

 Slán go Foill... Yeah that's IRISH right there.... Feel sorry for me now, yeah?

Halloween?

I'm a total sucker for Halloween.

I love this tradition but this year - I'm just so disappointed. It's the 31st and the arseholes who run the school have decided to bring us back in tomorrow, which means that tonight is just a waste and purely for last minute homework. I still need to get around to that actually... Right after the xFactor, that is. (Aiden for the win!)

  The kids don't even knock on our door anymore. We had one knock tonight and I told Snow White she looked scary and believe me - the look she gave me was not in the name of Halloween. I only said she looked scary because it is Halloween after all and the rest of her friends looked like bloody freaks. Although, all 6 year olds usually do. Well, even if I wanted to go out Trick or Treating tonight (which I don't because I'm (almost) 17 and far too old for this carry on...*sniff*) I would definitely not get an invite from her! Stuck up bitch. I bet she doesn't even live on this street... Scab.

I think it's because last night was such a let down. I'm becoming such a homebird; it's scary. And it was my ma who pointed that one out and she never leaves the house! See, I love the dressing up, but even my outfit had feck all effort put into it and I was bored as fuck. The thrill of getting into the place without being asked for ID wore off quickly when I realised what a kip the place really was. By 2 o'clock I was ready to go home. We got a Mickey D's and even that was more exciting than the night itself. I went back to Shauna's and we watched a re-run of the xFactor, which thinking back on it now, was the highlight of the whole night. But what's worse was that even getting in and half 2, it was only half 1... The bleedin' clocks went back! I didn't even care, I was just happy to be back home.

I wonder what ever happened to my wild spirit of wanting to go out and loving the excitement of dressing up and all that jazz...? I think it lost once Summer ended. Winter doesn't suit me and even though it's not officially Winter for another 3 and a half hours, it feels as though it's been Winter since the beginning of September. It must be 6th year playing with my head. It's turned me into a non-socialable, absolute moany-hole. I need to get a life.. or maybe a hobby.

 However! I did manage to land myself a Christmas job. I'm glad it's only for Christmas though. The boss seems like a right cow and I have no fashion sense to work in a clothing store. Still, money is money and if I'm planning on making my getaway somewhat eventful next Summer, I'm going to need as much as I can get! Ahhh Italy.. How I love thee and that blessed race of men you have raised...

I wonder if I'll ever actually go back to Sinnai again... I hope so. I must do a runner to Italy next year anyways, even if it's somewhere else. I wouldn't mind going back to Disney Land either, but that's because I'm a child and a half and should definitely be out Trick or Treating tonight! Fuck my age. I'll just rob the kids' sweets and keep them for myself and pray to God that I'll build up the motivation to join a gym this Christmas and shed a few pounds.

 Speaking of Christmas.. It's 8 weeks away! That's such a long, long time. That's 8 full weeks of school and then off to work. WORK! I've never had a job in my whole life. I'd rather something I'd prefer to do. Like, a job in a bookstore.. or even in Eddie Rockets! Or, you know, being paid for free - that's always a plus!

I broke my lovely a camera during the Summer and have only left it in recently to be repaired. It's costing a good lot of money too but luckily I'm getting a wad of money in a couple of weeks that I've been saving over the past year. Ma said that she'd split the difference with me as an early birthday present, but I felt bad for her earlier when she was explaining how tight money is right now and caved. I told her I'd just pay for the whole thing, which I don't mind so much... It just means that at least I'll take good care of it now and also, that I'm down a bajillion euro. I was going to save that money, too. I had it all planned but now my plan is shot to hell.

 Maybe I should have dressed up as a common prostitute and earned my money the old fashioned way.

It's now 9o'clcok and the record still stands for one knock on the door. Where did my childhood go?!

Halloween used to be fun.

And if I could find a picture of the best year I would but I don't even think we took any in 2007. I'm not even bothering with 2010. The years are getting worse and worse.

  I'm off to rob the left over sweeties. Ciaoo x